Most of my day was filled with either smoking, drinking alcohol or preoccupied with thoughts about it. I was losing interest in reading or engaging in any other creative work. It was a phase of my life which if had continued, I don't know where it would have taken me. Dark and aimless days was a norm. Living without any purpose and without any meaning. The only reason to wake up in the morning was that I didn't die during the previous night. The only aim for the day was to empty a few more cigarette packets and bottles of alcohol. Self pity was for starters and then the justifications for my behavior devising some convenient ideas about coping mechanisms for escapism.
Before getting into the understanding of 'being' in improvement, it is extremely important to understand what one is 'being' in self pity, in suffering and in helplessness. Unless we look at the source of our suffering it makes no sense to go for improvement. Rather it's like an icing on a mud pie. It's just superficial and short lasting. It's just fooling oneself. The treasure is hidden where we don't want to dig. Treasure is hidden in digging and acknowledging our inauthenticity. The magic happens when one observers one's own denial and moves towards acceptance. Once you observe the source, then you look for your relationship with that suffering and helplessness. Accept and embrace it. That is the key. We normally think why should one embrace a negative thing. Until you don't embrace it, you won't transcend it. The more you resist, the more it will persist and stay as-is.
Treasure is hidden in digging and acknowledging our inauthenticity. The magic happens when one observers one's own denial and moves towards acceptance. Once you observe the source, then you look for your relationship with that suffering and helplessness. Accept and embrace it. That is the key.
Today, I see clearly that it's not in the moment to make me happy and fulfilled. It is I who makes the moment happy. For myself, for others and for everyone.
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