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Writer's pictureThirteen

Black Humour on Black Magic

"Somebody has done black magic on Rahul", cribs Rahul's mother these days. Rahul is in his 12th class. He does what most science students in 12th class do. Studies, online classes, social media and Netflix. There are some other things which Rahul does, which other kids don't. This is about that.


Family and friends always made fun of Rahul for his habit of washing hands every now and then. When the news of coronavirus started spreading in India, initially Rahul had not much to worry about. He already had the habit of washing hands. So he was happy within, how he was always right and others always wrong.


Then one day, he got a video on WhatsApp. It talked about, how the virus is misunderstood by people and it is more dangerous than what everyone thinks. He saw in that video, how coronavirus can cause AIDS if it comes in contact with blood or other body fluids. Now, one can say, Rahul being a science student will ignore such fake informational video. But, that didn't happen.


Rahul started gathering all the information about coronavirus and HIV from Google. He then correlated, mixed-matched and collated information. Rahul started predicting different possibilities in which this virus can cause disaster. Besides coughing and sneezing how it can also spread from certain other body fluids. These fluids were Blood, Semen, pre-seminal fluid, rectal fluids, vaginal fluids and even breast milk!


Although he had all this information, Rahul was still in two minds. Some questions he had were, "Why not health organisations like WHO are making noise about it?" "Why is the government quiet on this matter?" "How come our educational institutes are not acting if this is so dangerous?" In the midst of all this confusion, one thing made everything clear for Rahul. That was the announcement of total countrywide lockdown. Now he had no questions to doubt his theory.


His primal plan was to keep a distance from people outside the home. That got easily facilitated by the lock-down. The next action was to gather the most quantity of sanitizer. He managed to get two big cans of sanitizer - some six litres of it! Rahul stored them in his study room. In the pretext of his 12th class studies, he avoided coming out of his room. Rahul having food in his room was not new for his mother. What was staggering for her was the smell of sanitizer every time she went to give him a food plate. When asked, Rahul said its some chemicals of his science experiments.


Rahul's first task every morning was to sanitize his toothbrush. Then take a hot water bath with Dettol water (a bucket full of water with 20 ml of Dettol). Then using cotton and sanitizer, he wipes his laptop keyboard. Some letters from the keyboard have faded due to this. Rahul has no faith in hand gloves. He believes that the gloves get contaminated while wearing them. Most of the daily tasks he has mastered by now. That said, there are some things for which he has to be like the Tom Cruise of Mission Impossible. One such activity is Mission Masturbation! After searching and playing the 'right' porn clip, Rahul sanitizes his hands. But, now that he has touched the sanitizer bottle, he doesn't want to touch his penis with bare hands. Thus he uses notebook pages to hold it! And mind you, he ensures to use old notebooks of 2019 to avoid any possibility of infection from new books of 2020. When the initial few attempts resulted in rupture of the page, he has started taking a little bunch of papers. The problem with more papers is, he doesn't get a good grip. The mission is still not over, washing and clean-up have more rituals to follow. And, all of this for what? Some irrational fear that comes from the idea that a virus may have come in contact with his hand, and that may now come in contact with his penis and therefore he may catch it? Seriously? But, it's still fitting in Rahul's logic!


Looking at all the changes in him, Rahul's parents decide to consult a psychiatrist. Rahul resists to go at first but then agrees on his father's convincing. Even at the doctor's office, Rahul requests the doctor to first sanitize his hands before touching him. The doctor prescribes medicine on his letterhead, then writes something on the backside of the paper and asks to visit after a week. On reaching home, Rahul's father turns the doctor's prescription. The backside reads, 'OCD'. On this Rahul's mother says, "These are all fancy names the mental doctors use to earn money. All this OCD, depression is nothing but Black Magic!"


Disclaimer: In the light of pandemic, we portray this example. However, in no manner, we intend to suggest or imply that this pandemic is not real. One must take care of their safety and wellbeing through this time. The intent of this story is only to highlight how paranoid we get with certain things, which could probably also be dealt with not working ourselves up so much!




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