I don't want to confront my conditioning. I don't want to acknowledge my wiring. I don't want to question my thinking. I am scared to know the things beyond my existing known reality. The reality is created by me, for my comfort. If I explore more, I fear losing my identity. I am worried that opening a new window and looking into the unknown would shatter my years of efforts and accumulations. It will make me look like a fool. I fear that. All the ideologies I believed, all the saints I worshiped, all the rituals I carried out, the lifestyle I adopted - I don't want to feel alone, to feel left out. I have spent my whole life to build this sense of belonging. I don't want to be hit by this tsunami of reality and get washed away. Without any inquiry, without any introspection and without exploring myself, I want Peace. In a real sense, I don't want inner peace. I just want an outer peace to be fine with my conditioning , to be OK with my facade of a religious person, to be comfortable with the rituals which I have serious doubts about. I want peace with my pretense and superficial intellect. I want peace with my fears and my lack of ability to confront those fears. An outer peace to avoid questions, to adjust living, to accommodate conditioning, to compromise my existence. I want an easy escape from this life. My fear is irrational, yet it appears so real...
I am worried that opening a new window and looking into the unknown would shatter my years of efforts and accumulations. It will make me look like a fool. I fear that.
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